It has come to this point where I am open to the world’s experiences once more. And like a freshly released convict, I breathe in the intoxicating fumes of freedom.
A filled vessel cannot have something else put into it. There has to be a degree of emptiness in order to allow something else to come into play. And I feel that my vessel has gone through enough filling and emptying, not implying that it will stop but rather successfully washing out the aftertaste of what had sat in there for so long. The rancid scent removed by the coming and going of others following it.
With every touch, I forget and make new memories. With every breath, I get closer to myself. With every content stare into their eyes, I understand and realise that there is nothing absolute aside from life and death.
They may have my mind and my body to toy around with. I’m willing, But my soul and heart is none to take nor mine to give. It is as it is and will be as it will.
Having to start off the new year like a new born and the irony is that babies cry for long periods of time and that’s what I’d been doing for the past two weeks or so. What I thought my world was, actually wasn’t. Who I thought would love me to no end, eventually decided that there came a point that he could stop loving me. Then, it really wasn’t ‘love’, now was it?
The word itself exists in eternal form. When you love someone, there is no room to stop doing it. Otherwise, it’s just an infatuation, crush or obsession. Which one I was, I’ll never know and I really don’t intend to find out. Why? Because it’s all over. I never got my complete closure and I’ve decided to just shut it out altogether. I don’t need to be reminded of all those things. I just want to let myself go and be the best I can… without him.
How strange that we see some movement as being forward while from another angle, it’s going backward. I’ve said it time and time again, I’m all for straight forward communication despite what it looks like. I’m not a hardheaded stubborn idiot who doesn’t know the value of things. I honestly did want it to work out but a certain ball had already started rolling and gaining momentum - his new love. Who am I to defy such a force of nature? Nobody…
Picking up the pieces of my broken self isn’t easy but nobody else can do it for me. I’ve battled personal demons, mainstream society and even the tyrannical governmental education regime and I have come out breathing. I may me a lot of things but I am not so weak as to allow myself to suffer for long. Victim, yes. But crippled for life? I don’t think so.
But I definitely have lost chunks of myself. Even if I do find them again, whether they’ll fit again is another story. Don’t expect me to be genuinely the same. I will put on my play and show you what I was but it’ll be all that is, a show for you with no intention of sincerity.
The tale of the insaneheaven has been retold repeatedly in its several reincarnations. Blogs were built, forgotten and rebuilt again. Pictures were posted, commented on, put on hiatus and the process would start all over again. It sounds tedious but that’s where the fun is, I think. We don’t just remember what we wrote, drew of took pictures of, but we remember how we did it. Me, on one hand… I’m not too skilled in this technological wizardry and end up doing very simple things and backing all my stuff up just in case. hahaha
So what’s in store this time round? Yes, it’s 2008! A new year and resolutions are buzzing about like flies over some piece of stale garbage that the world managed to ignore and refuses to lay its hands on. Change is like that, disgusting but somebody’s got to do it.
There are so many things I want to start over with but it really needs a lot of will power, determination and commitment. Aside from picking up running, I want to continue working on my masks. So many designs have been sketched out and I even had the idea for a wall of masks (which I’m still not sure how it’ll come down with visitors).
